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Saturday 26 September 2015

The Battles of a Busy Mother

I am a very busy mum. There's no other way to describe it. I'm studying an English degree (why I did not expect such a vast reading list I will never know), volunteering as a teaching assistant for a year two class, planning a wedding, trying to be a good friend/partner/daughter/sister and best of all looking after my somewhat demanding little girl.
            I love all of it. I am aware of how lucky I am to be able to say that but I do. Its exhausting and from time to time I will complain but each individual part of my schedule I adore. Don't get me wrong, it's a juggle. I have wedding plans with splashes of homemade spaghetti on them. We wash clean clothes over and over again because I either didn't get them from the washer to the dryer in time, or didn't put them away in time and can't remember if they are washed or not. I study on buses, in bed, whilst eating - any time I can cram in it!! Last year I even read Jane Eyre aloud to my one year old whilst she stared at me bewildered and confused. Its chaos and that's exactly what I love.
            But it is an emotional whirlwind. There is a lot of mummy guilt that comes with the territory of being a busy mother. It can be really tough. There is a lot of stigma about parents who put their children in childcare whilst they study/work. You don't have to scroll far through a netmums post about childcare to see a comment asking "why have kids if you're not going to look after them?!"
            Well I tell you why, to make a better life for them. Now, I'm not fighting against stay at home mums. Being a stay at home mum is an AMAZING opportunity for mum and baby but not everyone can afford to stay at home with the children every day. Heck, not everyone can afford that amount of sanity. I could not afford to give my daughter the life I can give her now if I did not go out and earn money. Children deserve the best in life and I want my child to have the best. I want her to be proud of her mum for working towards everything she wanted, I want her to be inspired to do everything she wants to do no matter how hard it is, I want her to break gender stereotypes and I want her to have the real BARBIE doll and not some knock off we had to make do with because I didn't go to work.
            I do love everything that I do. I may struggle at times and I may even cry at times but I LOVE it. It's easy to feel like "less of a mother"(as if parenthood is something that can be quantified) when you don't get to spend as much time with or do all of the same things as a stay at home mother but it's not true. It dawned on me today after I'd literally been weed on and got literal shite up my arm I'm no less a mother because I spend time away from my child. Not in her eyes. Its me who cuddles her when she's sick or scared or pretending to be scared because she has a clear vocation in drama. I may love everything that I do but everything that I do is for her and her well being. She is my best friend whether she is in my arms or playing happily with other children while I earn money for her Christmas presents.
Being a busy mother can be a battle of emotions, but it doesn't have to be. We're all just doing what is best for our family.

Tuesday 4 August 2015

The Importance of Dad

The image of a father is historically that of the bread winner - the man who goes out to work whilst mum stays home and nurtures the children. The image of a father today - in my opinion - is fast becoming that of a farce and it offends me. I'm sick and tired of scrolling through my facebook page and seeing an entire assortment of posts making vast generalizations about dads and their incompatibility with parenthood.  Such posts can appear as the comical photo assortment of useless dads making mistakes (hahaha - how hilarious that man is leaking into the domestic sphere har har har!) or the more sinister posts of anger and irritation towards men and their inability to parent "correctly".

Now, I'm not talking about the odd post among friends of real life mistakes, these things happen to both mums and dads and it can be hilarious - I'm talking about the made up generalization and assumption that mums are better for their children than their dads on the merit of gender. I'm talking about the ridiculous belief /joke that females naturally take to parenting more easily than fathers. It's not true. Such silly jokes and assumptions only give lazy men an excuse to be lazy fathers and make the fathers who really try, feel less confident in their own capabilities compared to the capabilities of the mother.

It's really not funny and it's really not okay. It's damaging to an entire society. Sometimes it seems I'm from a whole generation of youngsters who feel disappointed with their fathers and that disappointment runs so deeply that in our adulthood we still discuss it because it still hurts. This assumption of dads being less predominant/less nurturing in a child's life NEEDS to be challenged, it NEEDS to be changed. It is not only damaging to our men being brought up and taught to parent in this way but it is damaging to the children feeling neglected and let down by their fathers.

Besides, if dads really are incapable compared to mothers that's only because of how they have been conditioned. Men have been taught not to show emotions, that mum nurtures and they build. An example in today's world is the sure start centres for toddlers... It can be really uncomfortable for dads to go in there because it's all mums. There's actually a special event at our sure start to encourage dads to go making the blatantly obvious statement that dad's don't really go... it's not the done thing. In addition to this, the painful limitation to paternity leave just insists that it's the woman's job to rear the child.

It's ridiculous and my partner (praise the lord) understands 100% that he has to do his share of the parenting and (praise the lord) he wants to. Based on gender, I really can't stress enough that bar the obvious of breast feeding, we are equally capable as parents. Stay at home dads DO exist, they're just rarely ever heard over all the noise telling them to be go and cut down a tree or something.

Such issues of sexism may seem irrelevant to some in this day and age, but they are relevant to me. I never want my child to feel disappointed by the presence and care of their father, I never want my children to laugh at how their dad takes care of things and I don't want my children to grow up to be lazy dads relying on the parenting of their spouses. I want my children to be proud of their dad, to learn from him and become a parent their children can be proud of.

Dads are really important - and if some children are not lucky enough to have a stable and loving father around (cause lets face it, some dads really do suck [and mums]), they at least need social media to encourage them that such fathers do exist and can exist for their own children. It sure beats us all mocking an entire gender based on the actions of a few.

My baby and her daddy



Thursday 30 July 2015

A Welcomed Goodbye

Today, I say goodbye to feeling sorry for myself. I say goodbye to sitting on the couch and saying "I'm too fat" whilst I eat another chocolate. I say goodbye to obsessing over food and making myself feel bad every time I look in the mirror or get dressed to go outside.

Today I say goodbye to yoyo dieting. 


And bloody good riddance too! I'm always doing really well on a diet and then falling off the band wagon into a river of crisps and take away's and I'm not doing it anymore. Every time I do relapse into old eating habits it is admittedly, a little less bad than the last relapse but that's not the point. The point is that I really want to be healthy.

The thought began to reoccur when I was eating take-away (of course) and I thought, "what the heck is actually in this? I'd never give this to my little girl." and it's true, I wouldn't. I feed my daughter healthy, freshly prepared meals and fruit for snacks and yogurts for pudding. Obviously she has a few treats and when she's with grandparents and aunts and uncles it's only fair I allow them to spoil her; but at home, I really do try to keep her healthy. All the junk food I unload into my own body only comes into eye view once she's in bed. I thought to myself, if I wouldn't put this garbage into my daughters system then why am I putting it into my own? Sure, I don't love myself as much as I love my daughter but surely I owe it to her to keep her primary care givers (including daddy - hi daddy if you're reading!) healthy? And what kind of a lesson am I teaching her sneaky away unhealthy foods whilst she's not looking?! a TERRIBLE lesson.

Now, I'm obviously not talking a self tyranny of only allowing myself fruit and vegetables and forbidding all my favorite treats - lets be realistic here, that would never work and would of course lead to a yoyo diet system. I'm talking about a healthy balanced system of eating. As the beloved Doc McStuffin advises "It might taste great, but treat it like a treat." I like to eat, obviously, and eat I shall! but in moderation.

Now, finally, I'd like to clear up that this is not a betrayal to my plus sized pride. Not at all. I will always be plus sized proud and I will probably always be plus sized. What matters is that you are HEALTHY and HAPPY. I'm not happy and I'm making a change. That's a positive movement. One should not hate a plus sized figure, plus sized women should feel confident in themselves but if you are getting to a point were you feeling unhealthy it's time to make a change.


This is me six years ago and that's a girl I really miss. I was plus sized then, but I was comfortable with the shape that I was and I was extremely confident in the fact that I was healthy. I was very active, I ate my fruit and vegetables and I even indulged in treats from time to time. I was happy and content in myself. Sure, your body changes as you become a mum and I accept that but I'm proud of my stretch marks and slightly altered shape (and delighted in the boob alteration) but I don't feel as healthy as I could be and that's the problem.

Goobye yoyo diets and ineffective self pity.

hello healthy living.

Sunday 26 July 2015

LIEBSTER AWARD

Thank you to http://www.4under4madness.co.uk/ for nominating me for this award! I am in no way technical but am going to try my very best to do this right! This is about getting to know bloggers so even though I don't know how to hyperlink a name like the cool kids please use the link above to read the blog! (it really is very good)

Here are the questions set for me!

1. What’s your blog all about?
Parenting from the perspective of a mother and less so about tips and child care. I try to write about being a mother as that is so important to me, but I'll also do the odd post about feminism or fashion or other things I am interested in. I want to make the point that whilst becoming a mother is significant and wonderful, you still remain a woman with your own interests. 
2. If you could interview one famous person for your blog, who would it be?
I am umming and aahhhing so bad, I actually have no idea. All I can think of are Disney Jr and Nick Jr characters.
3. What’s your greatest achievement?
My little girl and my studying
4. How do you spend your weekends?
Weekends? What are weekends? I actually just spelt weekends as weekings. That says it all. 
5. What’s your favourite day of the week and why?
Monday - I get at least half an hour of "fresh week, fresh start, fresh me" before I dip my hands in the biscuit box.
6. Where’s your ultimate holiday destination?
Disney world Florida! Went when I was like two years old and remember none of it... and I have an excuse to go with a baby now!!!! One day, eh?!!!! 
7. Who would be your 3 perfect dinner party guests?
Same issue as question two. 
8. What’s your favourite song and why?
Everybody is Free to Wear Sunscreen - Baz Luhrman.
Most positive and helpful song I have ever heard. Always gets me out of a rough patch.
9. If you could have any superpower what would it be?
I would read minds.
10. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Hopefully teaching primary school kids and expecting kiddo numero two.
11. Why did you start blogging?
To connect with other people and talk talk talk.

Now I have to nominate people!!! 

http://tantrumsandglitter.blogspot.co.uk/happymamasecrets.com
mymummylikes.com
theloveofacaptain.wordpress.com
moderndadpages.com


Here are the rules for all those taking part:
1. Acknowledge and thank the person that nominated you.
2. Use an award image to add to the post.
3. Answer 11 questions given to you
4. Nominate up to 11 blogs
5. Don’t forget to let them know!
6. Give them 11 questions to answer.
My questions for you are:
1. Are you happy to be nominated?
2. What makes a good blog?
3. Why did you start blogging?
4. You have three wishes, what are they?
5. Whats your favorite colour and why?
6. If you were an animal, what would you be?
7. How terrible are my questions?
8. Do you think your questions will be better?
9. Why did you pick your blog username?
10. Do you like trains?
11. What is your favorite season? 

The Mummy Myth

When I was pregnant with my little one I thought that on her arrival I would instantly be knighted into the "mummy club" and turn into some funky version of Mary Poppins. I had images of myself sat in a coffee shop surrounded by fellow mummies kitted out with our posh prams, sleeping babies and extra cheesy smiles - a bit like Sex and the City without the cosmopolitans. I thought that I'd gotten so used to pregnancy insomnia that the night feeds would be a breeze and I was more than excited to shed hundreds of pounds through breast feeding.

She's nearly two and I'm still waiting for any of that to happen.

You see, my problem was that I wanted my baby SO very much I had this huge romanticized ideal of it all. I was that person who took the conception vitamins, who drank a pint of milk a day to boost fertility and ate foods I hated and avoided those I loved because some wacky made up website told me I'd get pregnant. I was that person who whilst I was pregnant wouldn't touch anything on the forbidden list, who checked for blood every time I went for a wee and forced the infirmary into an early scan out of fear. I read and read parenting books (I even took notes and memorized them as if I was sitting some kind of test) and thought all the mummies in the streets made it look so easy. After such desperation and studying, I couldn't believe my experience as a mother would be anything but easy.

But it wasn't so easy. It wasn't easy at all. My anxieties over my babies welfare did not vanish with pregnancy. The parenting books were seriously a waste of my time. I didn't have a single fellow mummy as a friend and as for the coffee shop, my baby was lucky if we made it into the yard. I was tired. I cried. A lot. I ate. A lot. I stressed. A lot. I still stress - A LOT. I certainly was/am no Mary Poppins.

Parenting does not come naturally to me. It's something I welcome with open arms and love to do more than anything but I really don't always find it easy. And I'm here today to say that's okay. It's okay if I don't live up to some made up ideal perfect mother figure... I mean seriously, if I gave my daughter a spoon full of sugar every time she needed medicine I think the dentist and the authorities would have something to say about it.

I might struggle to get out and about sometimes and I might have only just after almost two years braved playgroup and started to meet other mummies, but I really really seriously care about, love and try my best for my daughter and THAT'S what makes me super mum. THAT'S what matters to my daughter.

That ideal version of "mum" is a myth. Some may find it easier than others but at the end of the day we're all just people stumbling about and making it up as we go along. I think sometimes people think I'm mad when I say I want a huge bustling family full of kids and I'll admit cats. I want four children (three if you're reading, my lovely partner) because although I get stressed out and upset from time to time, all this struggling is actually strangely what makes me happy. Some nights when my little baba is in bed fast asleep I'll admit I enjoy the silence, but other times when baby's asleep and hubby to be's at work... I feel... lost.

Being mummy very well may not have come naturally to me, but it certainly has become me. I am my own unique version of mum and so are any mums reading this. There is no perfect mother, we are just mothers in our own special way with our own matching special babies.

Wednesday 22 July 2015

Dear Overwhelmed Mummy

Dear Overwhelmed Mummy,

Please stop worrying and give yourself a break. It's okay to struggle and feel tired. It's okay to need a break. It doesn't make you a bad mother -  it makes you human. Stop beating yourself up. The very fact you keep trying makes you a perfect mummy. It makes you the best mummy in the world and though your child may shout and scream and pull your hair... They think that you are amazing. I promise.

Please stop comparing yourself to everyone else. So, you're in your dressing gown with greasy hair and a noisy baby with a drenched bib and spaghetti stained face whilst super-mum across the road is immaculately dressed complete with full face of make-up and a squeaky clean silent cherub. It's all appearances. Super-mum secretly struggles from time to time too. Your baby may be paddying now whilst you question "how does that super-mum do it?!" But... their little one will paddy soon and they'll ask the same of you.

Please stop worrying what everyone thinks about you. Nobody is judging you. Sometimes it feels like they are, but that's only because you are judging yourself. So, your little kiddo just screamed at the top of their lungs and frightened an old lady, life goes on, the world keeps spinning. It doesn't matter.

Please know that you are doing a fantastic job. From all the way over here through this computer screen I know that you definitely are. You should be proud of yourself.

I promise that tomorrow will be a better day.

Love from Overwhelmed Mummy.

Five Misconceptions about Feminism

When did being a feminist become a bad thing? Feminism seems to be the butt of the internet's jokes just recently and it can feel that my loud and proud confessions of being a feminist seem to met with one huge eye roll from a society that just doesn't understand. No, I don't laugh at the ridiculous jokes that I should be in the kitchen making a sandwich, and yes... I did make my partner stay up with me and do the night feeds (even when I breast fed for moral support) and no... that doesn't make me uptight nor does it make me a bitch. Feminism just lately seems laced with negative connotation after negative connotation and today, I hope to clear some of that up and pave way for us feminists.

1) FEMINISTS DO NOT HATE MEN.

If you're claiming to be a feminist whilst claiming all men are useless/stupid/inferior then go home and do your research. Feminism is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as "the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of EQUALITY OF THE SEXES." Equality of the sexes, not female supremacy. Feminists argue women are equal in all circumstances to men. Attributes depend on the individual as a person and not on gender. 

2) FEMINISM IS NOT TELLING YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE 

If anything, feminism is about choice not dictatorship. Feminists should not outline a certain lifestyle as desirable and downgrade all other lifestyles - that's just another form of control. Feminists should not slut-shame, or size-shame, or any-shame, we should ensure all genders have the right to choose a lifestyle and that an individual is not objectified by another individual on the grounds of gender or vulnerability. If you are promiscuous by choice that's fine, just as it's perfectly okay to wait till you are married and be a stay at home mum with dinner on the table for your husband by five o'clock. What's important is that you have the right to choose. 

3) ANYONE CAN BE A FEMINIST 

There's a definite stereotype/misconception that all feminists are clean faced, vegan, butch women with hairy legs and brief cases. Not true. It's fine not to work make-up, to not eat animal produce, to be butch and not shave your legs. Of course it is, and I'm not mocking any of the choices, I'm just explaining that you don't have to live up to that stereotype to be a feminist. You can be a feminist and a house wife, I LOVE my make-up and I love dressing up. You can even be a man. You just have to believe in equality of the sexes. 

4) FEMINISM IS STILL NECESSARY 

Sexism is still very much alive in today's society - just because masses of progress has been made it does not mean the issue is resolved. Just look at maternity leave vs paternity leave. Women are not naturally more nurturing than men, we're just brought up to behave in such a way and as we're with the baby longer than the dad of course we take to parenting and bonding with more easily - poor dad doesn't get as much opportunity. An example of sexism in my life is that several people told me I would not be able to do a university degree as well as raising a baby; whereas nobody said this to my partner - he was just congratulated on both accounts. It's discreet sexism but it is still sexism. Sexism is rife in the work place even with wages still being lower for women in some work places. There are far more serious needs for feminism across the globe too, but I really don't have the time to outline them all. A quick google will definitely inform you of why sexism is very much still alive and kicking. 

5) FEMINISM IS DEFINITELY RELEVANT TO YOUR LIFE

Some people brush of feminism as not necessary to them. They're happy with the way things are in their life so why bother? This is the society our children are growing up in and circumstances can change in an instance. Equality is relevant to everyone no matter what gender, age, race or religion you may be. People are subject to sexism every day; it's just so ingrained you don't always see it. Sexism affects everyone - even men. The feminism movement for the vote included the working-class male vote. We want equality. Equality of parenting, working, pay, lifestyle etc. I want my partner to be entitled to just as much parenting as I am, just as I want to be entitled to just as much freedom as him. 

Feminism is relevant and necessary. We need it and it needs to be understood.